I wrote the following two essays on September 21, 2021 and January 2, 2022, respectively. I have not touched them since.
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I build a version of myself I know I used to want to see.
I build a version I would also have been surprised by.
I build friendships I can't keep up with.
I build tension.
I build a bite in my jaw.
I build a voice with big breaks in between the building.
I build my 401k.
I build my tolerance for labor.
I build a sense of what is right for me.
I build a sense of what is right for me to do for others.
I build my sense of self, my picture.
I build credit card debt and pay it down.
I build my body, with food and with drink.
I build mountains.
I build miles.
I build tolerance for labor.
I build tolerance for exhaustion.
I build tolerance for anxiety.
I build goals.
I build shame.
I build resistance to vulnerability.
I build sexual angst.
I build walls between myself and achievement.
I build frustration.
I build memories, even those long past.
I build characters.
I build strength, inside of comfort and acceptance without attachment, but I also:
build attachments.
I build the product
I build the product
I build the product
I build my knowledge.
I build my knowledge of the product.
I build the product.
I build my words into this page and into those to follow, as those before - but different.
I build a new thing.
I build a picture of a new thing.
I build
I build igloos for summer and fires at winter.
I build a new wardrobe to hold a new self.
I build a routine, and then I break it after.
I build up a boredom, a dissatisfaction with routine.
I build up friends;
I build up partners;
I build up singers;
I build up actors;
I build up the harsh, entangled belief that I am less than those I build up.
I build up skepticism
I build up thoughts and they accrue and unleash when I am trying, at last, fitfully, to sleep.
I build up fear
I build up sadness
I build a way to find joy, to translate to it from all other felt languages
I build a style by trying, only
I build a repertoire, slowly and distractedly
I build a network, with a long list of shoulds and a long list of shouldn'ts
I build my list of shoulds
I build my list of shouldn'ts
I build a library of therapists
I build a catalog of lovers
I build an index of voice teachers
I build fountains
I build willows, and oaks
I build things others should build
I build good habits
I build -- and have built -- bad ones, too
I build residues, molds
I build muscle, little by little, and then I stop to breathe and break for weeks
I build tension
I build peace
I build ideas, and I build them with increasing playfulness.
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In the new year I want to feel safe
I want to feel confident
I want to feel grounded
I want to feel in touch
I want to feel rested
I want to feel
I want to feel time
I want to feel my thoughts
I want to feel rested and at peace
I want to feel like I belong
I want to feel like I deserve to sing
I want to feel myself release
I want to feel myself root while I feel myself fly, in song, in speech, in written word
I want to feel free
from danger, from assumptions (mine and those of others), from fears (mine and those of others) ... and maybe those last two are at least partly the same and
I want to feel well
I want to feel energized
I want to feel air filling my lungs full
I want to feel wind
I want to feel grounding, cooling water on my tongue
I want to feel accomplished on my own terms
I want to feel known to myself and those who I cherish
I want to feel cherished, too
I want to feel lovely
I want to feel precious
I want to feel cute
I want to feel small
I want to feel large
I want to feel depth
I want to feel spring
I want to feel confident in the city
I want to feel like I can pick up the phone and call just about anyone no matter the circumstance
I want to feel un-hidden
I want to feel un-ashamed
I want to feel like there is a way for me to get out of circumstances I come to believe are harmful
I want to feel I am more than my work
I want to feel I am more than my body
I want to feel my body is a treasure
I want to feel my body
I want to feel I can be wrong
I want to feel I can hurt and hurt roughly and still be deserving of my own time and care, as well as that of others
I want to feel I can need to work to understand without it meaning I lack
I want to feel forcused, without tax or pressure
I want to feel chosen, and empowered to choose
I want to feel {{illegible}}
I want to feel patience whenever I can
I want to feel trust in complex circumstances
I want to feel soft
I want to feel listened to
I want to feel secure
I want to feel clearer about what types of security are most crucial
I want to feel affirmed when I don't expect it, or maybe when I don't know I need it
I want to feel excited by the future
I want to feel enamored of the past
I want to feel alert and curious in the present
I want to feel like my partner and I keep growing closer
I want to feel like we can try new things
I want to feel like there is both challenge and harmony in our relationship, and that each are possible because of the other thing
I want to feel like I can share
I want to feel vulnerable
I want to feel transcendent
I want to feel, in short, like this
I want to feel this a lot
I want to feel stretched
I want to feel in touch with my voice
I want to feel allowed to take up space
I want to feel masterful
I want to feel I am master of my self
I want to feel forgiveness
I want to feel gentle, toward my body if it cannot do things I want
I want to feel informed and assisted by my limitations
I want to feel eager more than I feel anxious.
I want to feel proud more than I feel confused or regretful
I want to feel that if I cannot or do not feel any of the above that there is abundance of time and I can keep finding feelings and striving for them in due time
I want to feel abundant energy
I want to feel awash in time
I want to feel connected to my family
I want to feel the intensity of connectedness with all those who matter to me
I want to feel expression in the act
I want to feel poured out
I want to feel found by myself
I want to feel every inch of the finding.
--
Bryce McClendon, they/them